How to Fail at Being Martha Stewart

I tried to be crafty.  That was my first mistake.  See, I'm an accountant, so the creative, crafty side of the brain doesn't work too well.  Must have lost out on that gene.  And apparently I missed the class in common sense because (as you'll see) I'm lacking some.

Let me go back to the beginning.  I got the great idea to get some pinecones and other earthy items and cover them in glitter.  I envisioned pinecones of all sizes and twigs gliterized in red, green, silver, and gold.  It would be a festive centerpiece!  I bought some small pinecones but couldn't find a decent bag of the large cones.  I found they were broken (probably one of five was broken but I decided from that one that I couldn't get a good bag) or overpriced at $5 a bag.  Call me cheap, but I blame it on being an accountant.  Anyway, I wanted some twigs or sticks but couldn't find anything, so I settled on cinnamon sticks.  Now time for the glitter.  Went to Michaels, but thought it to be too expensive, so dragged Alex to Hobby Lobby.  Found some spray glue (no globs for me) and inexpensive, festive glitter.  I really wanted the Martha Stewart glitter, which I'm too cheap to buy, but in hindsight am glad I didn't get it.  

I bring all this home and it sits on our breakfast bar for a couple days, then weeks, before Alex asks, "Are you ever going to do something with this crap?"  That night, I decide I'm going to do something with that crap.  I pop in Love Actually (one of my all time favorite movies, especially around Christmas), pull over the ratty spare carpet and sit.  I know I need to put something down so I'm not gluing the pinecones to the carpet, so what do I grab?  Tissue paper.  Why? Because it's easily accessible, and I'm too lazy to get off my butt to get something else.

I begin.  I take a pinecone, set it on the tissue paper, spray with glue, cover in glitter.  I get through about four pinecones, then they start sticking to the tissue paper.  Maybe I should have used something else?  Oh no, I'll just fold it in half, so there's no glue on it.  I yell at Alex to bring me some wax paper because laying the glued and glitterized pinecones on tissue paper just does not work.  Too sticky!

I keep going and get about a third of the way through before I realize that my fingers and hands are super sticky.  I had glue and glitter on the backs of my hands…how does that even happen?  So, I get up to wash it off.  A little kitchen lemon scented soap and some hot water should do the trick.  No.  Maybe a little more with some scrubbing.  No.  Alex looks it up online and says that nail polish remover should do the trick.  He brings some over, but to no avail.  I'm about to go into panic mode, so I try more soap and water.  Gosh, I'm an idiot!  With nothing working, Alex says to have the best solution--extra strength gun cleaner!  He sprays a little bit on, and VOILA!  It starts to come off.  He says, "this is really strong shit, so don't use too much of it."  Then he proceeds to spray it on the back of my hands for about 15 seconds too long.  As I'm rubbing the gluey mess off, my hands start to burn.  Oh yeah, Mister Don't Use Too Much Of It just gave me a slight chemical burn.  OUCH!  It eventually goes away, but boy did it hurt for about 30 seconds.

To finish the job, I weigh my options.  Bare hands and gun cleaner OR surgical-type gloves and no gun cleaner?  I opt for the gloves and go through two pairs.  Continuing to fold the tissue paper when it gets too sticky, instead of finding something else to glue on.  Fortunately, I didn't make too much of a mess, except for the two times when the tops popped off the glitter bottles (cheap) and glitter poured out.  Oh, and the spray glue bottle is now covered in sparkles.  However, I must say that the end result actually doesn't look too bad!  Maybe I'll continue my crafty adventures.  

--Am

 the finished product

 two of the better looking cones

spray glue 

check out that glittery mess 

icky glued on glitter and half empty bottles